Infertility was a huge part of my life, in fact it completely took over it, I wrote diaries documenting my inner most thoughts, my brain simply couldn't cope with how I was feeing at the time, I was in melt down and writing down and documenting exactly how I was feeling took some of the pressure and stress away.
I found talking to friends and family very difficult, I felt that they didn't understand how I was feeling and their comments offended me, although this wasn't their fault, I'm not blaming other people, I was just very sensitive to the fact that I still didn't have a baby, I don't think that anything anyone said to me at the time would have made me feel positive about where I was in my life, I was in a black hole and I couldn't climb out, it was out of my hands.
I have always kept diaries and for me writing a book about infertility and consequently about my IVF journey was just a natural progression that developed from my diaries, all of the information was already in black and white. How difficult could it be to tell the world my innermost, insecure, honest and painful thoughts?, Well... it was very, very damn hard, I played it over and over in my mind for over a year, Did I really want to be public about all the pain that I had endured trying to conceive?, Would my husband want me to divulge our entire relationship in a book? , despite of all of the thoughts that almost stopped me from publishing my story, I am very proud to say that eventually I did take the plunge I took myself out of the equation and I let my pen just flow, I chose the title 'The Gift of Life'.
A huge reason for writing the book was to help other people, If it helps one person reading it, then it was worth writing it. There wasn't one person in the world I could fully open up to during my miscarriages, infertility or my IVF cycle, they simply didn't understand any of it and they couldn't relate to what I was doing during the IVF cycle nor what it would entail, with hind sight, why would they and why should they?, reading my book will also help other people, friends and relatives with children understand infertility better, after all if you haven't experienced it how on earth could you expect someone to understand it.
When I miscarried at ten weeks someone said to me (revealing no names) "It will be ok, you'll be pregnant again soon, just try again!", the person who said that to me a couple of years later went on to have IVF themselves and I held her hand all the way through it, it ended in a BFP and they have their baby now, I turned a negative comment into a positive and I didn't ever lose hope that I would eventually conceive, if I had lost hope I wouldn't have had anything to motivate me.
Infertility is a very lonely process, you go through it alone and tick off each stage in your mind, with each negative pregnancy test you feel drained, stressed, anxious and it simply gets worse month after month, year after year, the time ticks by and life passes you by, you still don't have a baby, life is at a standstill.
Everyone was having babies, Facebook was full of friends with children or people pregnant and I didn't feel a part of a parent or mum to be group.
"Are you and Paul going to have children?" Friends /Family would ask us, I would just freeze and leave my husband Paul to answer it, years of my life were wasted NOT making babies and infertility was just dragging me down, I would never, ever want to go back to that dark place.
'The Gift of Life' will hopefully bring hope to other infertile couples, I have tried to be as utterly honest as I can be without being crude, whether that be enduring multiple miscarriages and doing the deed or the baby dance as some call it.